ok. suddenly. i was gloomy.
my cousin online and send me this picture of her with my sis. okay... so she has to send me and ask me to give it to my sister. i was in a momentary shock as i forgot that i am no longer staying at home and apparently she doesnt know any thing abt what is going on. so i decide not to receive the file and bah.


home. a sickening word.
i know my mum constantly tries to persuade me home to sleep because she is away, oh yah i forgot she is on a holiday to Bintan. whatever~~
oh no. i shouldnt be mean.
dear god, please ask me not be so spiteful hateful and unhappy girl whenever i have to talk abt her, or them. i do not wish my cheerfulness is only meant as a facade. why cant i accept reality yet. i know i can survive. but this hollowness might kill me any time. and i know it can never be filled up because it has become a fact that things will remain this way...... till then.


wo hen kai xin. hen kai xin.

I love him so much. from the very bottom of my heart. i do. every night before i sleep, i know how much i love him and miss him even though he just beside me. every morning i wake up to see his sleepy head and i smile cos i'm glad he just beside me. i'm glad i have someone to walk with me. this capacity this love. this greatness of it. i have no words to describe. but is sweet...from the beginning this love story starts 4 yrs back. it has never stop moving on.. the feeling is not the same. becos this relationship has learn, grow and matures.

of cos i intend to kick off my selfish, possessive habits and learn to cherish this relationship, is not abt holding on to a relationship, is abt learning to love urself before u love others, learning to compromise and give in, learning to see whats important.

and the most important person to me.. is him


mon exam ..
mon exam ..
ok mon exam le.

study. memorise. study. practice.
study.
study.
not really getting into my head.

today is my one yr anniversary le!
yest make this FaBulouS SlideShow of our memories toGether.. i think is very very very sweeet and nice lorh. hee.. and i See Yang quite touched (:
i'm so happy now... i think every thing is great. everyday is pretty. bcos he' is with me no matter what.


is 4 plus. not sleeping. again
again.
again.
again.
waking at 6+
meeting qi at 8
still not sleeping.
insomia.
sucks.


I miss my Kelly Lim!

that day after attending yang's class chalet, had to go home alone. cos he tonning overnight..dull* so i went home to study bah. on the way home, i didnt really feel lonely but just missing my girlfriends and missing yang. was thinking all the way home,why sometimes i feel i cant click with yang's friends or school mates. i dont wanna be anti social and tries to be friendly. but sometimes i end up feeling awkward, distant, uncomfortable or cold or not myself. and is such times i wish i was with kelly, wenqi, yun.. etc. where i could talk freely and laugh freely. but yang said that all their friends's gf also quiet quiet etc. but i thought some girls can just go into a crowd ,joke and very cheerful.

i just want to know him, know his friends and classmates better so i can be a good girlfriend. but sometimes when u try too hard, it becomes a disappointment. but no need to get so uptight abt it bah, i dont want to expect so much from myself too. then i might be happier and be a better person. i should quit throwing temper at him too, i am really crazy and this affects our relationship really bad. i want to be a good girlfriend. i want to be make this statement true. i want to be confident of myself. i want to treat my girl pals good. i dont want to neglect anyone. i just want to be nice. i dont want to be selfish. (: there. i said it. feel much better now.


sick sick sick sick sick. so sick of being sick. ARG


sometimes it's just everything that piece up the depressed feeling to surge in every bit of me.

my body feeling really bad nowadays. the day before yesterday, yesterday, today, maybe tomorrow. it wont stop. everything's not abit better the next day. everything is getting worse. i'm just struggling with myself inside and outside.


heh heh. finally. this template is proudly done by ME

from my sweetie qi qi.. (:

jus something sweet from her. ok let me thank her. thank u very much muack muack!

that day...
smile until like that -_-" haha..

my cinamon roll. . .
been eyeing this for a long time. Yang got this for me heh ^_^

the flower on the table.
eh i know the backgrd dont match. but i still like it ok (:

my sunny sunny sunshine flower

is jus another day where i have extreme headaches, tiredness, feeling cold bcos of the stupid weather. i'm terrified of coldness! :(
i was being temperamental again. throwing him attitude jus bcos something he said fell unpleasant to my ears.
..... silence.....

He got me a Sunflower... ! hee... (within 20 mins - as he drove his mum to e market)

I'm sorry dear. ^_^

qi.na.jo.ting

I read this (3 yrs ago) letter from yang right after we broke up. He was confessing all his feelings to me. His hurt, his memories with me and his love for me. And I recall, I claim i was appreciating him but i moved on quickly. I did not realise that this some body would be the one to give up the world for me.

and.... i dont know how i feel right now. I feel i really have let someone so precious slip through my hands when all god he did was to deliver this blessing to my doors.
`but fortunately when i turn it away from me, it did not fall to somebody's else. it still belongs to me.

I'm glad this time I made the right decision. All my life, i've make all the wrong turns. but for this one correct decision i've made have change my life for the better or for the best bcos i have never thought i could feel so happy with someone and have someone who reciprocate my feelings. For someone who would rather suffer all these hurts i've caused him in silence or denial the past years.

He is after all so brave and generous at heart.


dont eat your feelings

i hate the weighing scale!!!
i hate the chunky bits at my waist line!
i wish there are clothes to camouflage those excess baggage
i wish to slim down by prom(post)

sometimes, i know how wq feels. she says she feels like a dino standing beside those stick thin ppl. i told her i dont really feel i'm very fat. Is just the majority of the ppl i'm with are rather small in size. I cant help getting paranoid. You cant survive being Fat. I told her I'm afraid i'll get cancer or death bcos of obesity. Bcos i feel my fitness level is getting really bad. i'm not running. not swimming. not tanning. not playing. like i used to. i feel tired even when i climb the stairs. i slept for long hrs. i'm slacking. i'm used to hate lazy ppl but right now i'm just one of them


i'm tired. again. so tired.
i hate maths. i cant get thru one maths qns without feeling frustrated.
yes all the msn nick - where's the motivation?
i need alot of motivation. i need ppl to push me. where is my drive? why is my energy draining away. i'm so sick of studies! one min i strive so hard, the next, i collapse and went shopping whole day and munch on all the junks i could get my hands on. drown myself in coke light. i need some stress relieve. all i can do is lie on my bed whole day and wish the sun would not shine on my face. snuggle into the blankets and my mind a whirlpool at works.


It's Lettuce for Breakfast.
I'm eating lettuce as i blog now. I'm late for sch. so cant possibly rush down not enough time too. i wish i stayed just opposite the school.

Seriously i should lay off the com for a while. I thought if i woke up early, I could eat early and start my revision early and able to sleep early. Ya...but I' still couldnt get my hands off the com. I had better sleep these days - thanks to mom! personally came down to pass me a bottle of chinese herbs pills which is sooo bloody effective and improve my health conditions alot alot.

i got a sms from my elder sis. aiya..some forward msg. I dont know why. Does it matter if you try so hard? or maybe ur just trying to be "nice" somehow. But yang did told me compare her to my 2nd sis, my elder sis is not that crude. I know. but they are all the same to me now. I cant even be bothered. All i'm trying is learning to be a good actress. U need to know how to react in correct manner to get the desired effect. and i know i'm getting better at it. Nope, is not a sad thing, my life is not pathetic. bcos i'm using this to make my life better. you know u cant escape certain things in life, might as well use it for ur advantage.

Be Nice (:


HEE i'm smiling.. with all my teeth showing.
a cheesy smile.
i jus wanna be happy. like doing nothing all day. sleeping. finally.

i miss my friends. i am smiling bcos i see such a nice nice future after As.
i see myself clubbing with tenzil/jo/ed etc. i see myself watching vcd with kel. cant help rem how we always watch horror vcds at her home (stuffing ourselves with fried chicken, fries, burger and harsh brown) i see myself having fun at msia with dear. i see myself singing k box with friends. i see myself in hongkong with yun/cal/tendzil. i see myself lying on the sand with nessa. we all have such plans in mind. i see so many things i wanna do right now. let me indulge in my dreams now k. dont ever interupt. stop telling me As is just a month away is not my fucking problem. i hate studying! ARHHHH! i dont care. i jus wanna have supper at night like i always do. i jus wanna laugh talk loudly and be fREE. i dont care. i dont wanna tell ppl i need to stay home cant go out i need to study. I'm mutiating into a FReak!

i wanna earn big bucks and go where i wanna go. i want kelly to do my nails. i want to have nice nails. i hate growing them though.
i want edwin to comb my hair during classes. i want ppl to mess with my hair style play with it.
i want wenqi to tell me to stop eating junks.
i want yun to tell me to save money.
i want. i want................................


i got my ring le.. in advance.. heh heh heh


Why is my life upside down?

i jus wanna blog until i sleep bah.

someday someone will walk into your life and make you realize why it didnt work out with anyone else.

hmm..
today: consultation with kainu. she was really patient (: though she often likes to put on a black black black face. then study at amk. surprised to see my old classmates= cheng xiang. always rem his sleepy sleepy face and his bad attitude towards teachers, but still.. can do so bloody well for O's. so anyway i believe is the 2nd time i saw him since we left xinmin. look much neater and ya something different that i cant put a thought to. maybe it's the hair.
then yun join me so we talk abit of sec sch days etc. instead of studying. i end up telling lots of craps and flipping fashion mag for abt 2 hrs then start to study this n that. bored. again.

but yang and his futing,stanley etc all mug like hell.. (maybe i should leaRN Abit frm them) they seem so enthu abt their studies while me.. so sick of writing essays. but i really want to jump a few grades by A level.

Wake me up when November Ends............................


again.
not sleeping.
online.
arg...
help!!


farewell tml.. farewell..

I was just thinking of all my friends in Jc. as much as i hate TPJC, still
I'm glad i've made some worthy friends (:

actually i was thinkinng of this particular person even though we are not best friends anymore and how things have sunk so deep into a heartbreaking ending. Still, I have lots of memorable times with her. She had been a soul mate to me. She had made my jc life really fun. And she is cute. Despite whatever happens, I still find it sad that things had gone this way. we are Strangers now. I wonder if its the same like for BGR, as long as u believe in the person u love ,no matter how much he/she hurts you, u'll still forgive and willing to give another chance. I dont mind trying if its worth it. But have the person change? or is she still the same...
I wish i had not uncover the truth and i may live happily in denial holding hands with this best friend but you know whatever facade will reveals no matter how hard you try to hide it.

BUT of cos never-the-less, I still have great gfs (in college)

Like my own tenzil baby that we hold hand in hand to chase bus and share our woes. whatever stupid things i just want sms her until her phone explode. and sometimes i will just sms her " how come u never reply" "hey did u get my msg" .. actually my tone getting dulan le as she tells me "u where got msg me"
DIAO-
sometimes really want to mao her. haha.. angry okay, i only got 500 sms and plz lorh end up 10% sms use for asking her whether she gets my msg anot. PS: really hate ppl for not replying me! esp when i ask impt qns! esp best friends -_-" ( bcos they always try save their 5cent sms on dont know what and the replies are so bloody short!)


And of cos Piggy Jojo, forever late. even if i want to be late, I'm never late for impt lessons Can!? wwell dont know why i forever so nagging. I think i am the only one studying plus Huiling. defintely CANnot study with them. is so distracting. lol
but yeap, she's the babe-in-love (dreamy) and of cos cant stand the way she eats (bird food) ps: lesser than me 10kg liao, plz dont eat in front of me, i end up eating ur meal for you. yeap never in my life see someone who cant even finish their Macdonald big breakfast meal, you only eat the scramble egg and a little bit of meat. wastage of food!
But still, you have been a great pal to give me chocolates when i'm crying for the death of my dog,esp u havent know me that well yet but still so sweet = esp remembering one of my fav choco thhat yr (MeJi strawberry chocolates in the tube)


the next on the list, is Yy, so many yrs still in the same sch as me. so glad u have been there to listen to me and take bus almost the entire last yr. always the sensible one to guide me. and yes the one that never never fails to reply my sms, and reply so long one somemore. she is the same old yun yun i know but yap always know how to cheer me up with lame jokes. but so what? i lub you (: i'm glad ur not that late anymore.

Hui Ling. ah ha. all i can associate with her is Food imagery and how much enthusism she shows towards her online games. She is of cos a great study partner unless she gets angry when she's hungry. timing herself forever in terms of the rate of doing work or eating or squash, forever so rushing.

Edwin. great gf for make up tips even though yes ur make up is horrifying but no harm in experimenting urself. someday u might prove urself to be a capable make up artist. but ya. no more gar gar over so-and-so. time to push urself to work hard for As and not beauty pagent k. (:

(in Sr):
nessa. who would thought we would end up together in the same school same class for the 1st 3 mths A01. sometimes i think we are world aparts but maybe thats why opposite attracts. i guess u lub me too. and we always hate pe teachers. we are always running away from disciplinary and its the only sch that is so bloody run-down and anxious abt student's attire instead of their grades.
is sweet- we sat down there eating ice cream and u wish time would stop at that moment. the beach is us. tues is waffer day. we hit the town every other day. sat is swimming. no stress no nothing. but all we talk abt now.. is all the problems and burden we have on our mind. but all the same i wish : let's not drift apart further k....

That is all for now. I must make some studies. tml is farewell assembly...hmm..


Is a bloody hot noon. i knew i rush home for a nap but ya... i dont wanna fall asleep right now. I wanna do a work out and sweat it all out. is 5.15 p.m, he's on the way back. shouldnt have stuff myself with chocolates. Let's work hard to slim it down (:

Sometimes i like wenqi, i like to complain to her about everything and she will always sooooo patiently listen to everything. Sometimes i think she talks too slow and i talk too fast. heh.. but we finally caught up with the bus. Is not like i'm unfit, is just that well my bra is slipping off my chest so i cant run too fast and then i was wondering whether she will abandon me(Like ALina). I think i'm addicted to chasing bus. Chasing Bus with a Buddy is Fun. You can sweat, be silly, be crazy and you know the one sitting beside you is just the same as you


我只想要往前飞　能飞多远也无所谓
我讨厌在这里徘徊　我厌倦我流眼泪
只管闭上眼睛往前追　若错过太多就有所谓
我害怕了后悔　那种遗憾的滋味

放开那些事与愿违　放开那些是是非非
转过身　已走远　请留住我的美
忘掉那些曾经依偎　忘掉那些温柔相随
回过头　已终结　只能给自己一个　你曾给的安慰


我只想要往前飞　能飞多远也无所谓
我害怕了后悔　那种遗憾的滋味　往前飞

damm.. is three a.m and i cant sleep. i cant. i sms you Tan wen Qi, i thought alot ppl cant sleep so i online but there wasnt even anyone. pop 2 pills again. still i cant sleep. so i try to do my A n C essay. Sighhhh....

take me to dream land ok?


i've been really tired lately, probably a medical explanation but i think some of it is just in my head. i've been getting headaches and been sleeping alot alot alot... but still i' dont seems to be sleeping even in my sleeps. I think i am dreaming away... all the nightmares that are crushing and squashing in my brain. ARG

i wish it was simple to end things this way. I ask him whether things would be the same again. But we all know is not that simple. The answer obviously lies in her.

To my dear dear sister:

If helping you means hurting me.. what am i to do? I can't be as forgiving as before. But surely i dont want to feel hatred towards you. Even now as i write this down, I feel hurt and puzzled for what have happened. I don't want to be unfeeling. I just want things to be alright.

It feel strange. Perhaps you feel you are the victim. You felt that I'm unappreciative towards you. You felt that i am ungrateful. But maybe all i wanna ask from you is what have I done? Maybe you long for some retribution to fall on me for running away from you. But dear sis, is you that drove me away from you. Who turn the back against me at the lowest point. All along i stand strong beside you, because I know you need me like I need you. Things have turn so bad that we can't turn back time anymore.

I know the answer is obvious.. I know i was never meant to be happy, i don't have the capacity for it. I know my purpose is just to try and make people feel better but i'm probably not even doing a good job at that. i'm crazy and i wish i wasn't.. i wish i could reconcile with you, i wish i could trust anyone, i wish i could trust myself.. but the colors, they all blur together and make a deep blue which sinks my soul. and sometimes things just get so heavy, i can't even think about it any more.. i just go to sleep and i wake up like its all better but it never really is.

Is not the same anymore.

I miss.. some parts of you.. I wish you know how i feel.

Even though you couldnt care less about me now.

I dont want to be an unfeeling person. I'm still the same.


Riding down the waterfall of life you'll see many things, just watch out for the jagged rocks at the bottom


bad hair day. everyday is bad hair day.

so sick of As. let's get it done once and for all.
so many ppl making plans to party. so many... (:
i'm still redoing my essays.

time management
time management
time management

whats the point of having all the good points but not having enough time to finish it. it all wasted.

wasted.
wasted.


watched hot chicks again then proceed to watching metorite garden(Liu Xing Hua Yuan) vcds for the whole afternoon and cant help falling in love with the character Dao Ming Si, but i dont think such rich and handsome guys exist in my world lol. dreamy...

indulge myself happily in food..
kaya toast 2 slices with butter, cup noodle, coke light, chocolates..
whats the point of doing exercise when all i do is eat eat eat, a sure way to backfire my diet plan. sobx. (:

i'm still conflicting whether to attend the prom...

Yang, my driver (:

Everytime i look back, i saw you following me. Every time i walk away, i feel you chasing me. Every time i feel alone, but you were standing beside me. Every time i try to push you away, no matter how hard i try, you will never leave me. I dont know how lucky i am to have you. All i wanna do is live my life the way i want to. I dont need you, i just wanna be alone like i used to.

But you said to me

" If you can find someone who can take care of you, who will love you, who can protect you. I will let you be and leave you alone "

Why do i feel pain all the time. Why do i pick on you and never be contented with what I have. Have i changed? I know my heart feels the same for you. Why do i hurt you when i know i'm so numbed with pain. I used to have nothing, so i have never cared for others feelings, never cared for being hurt. But now i have everything, i feel so hurt and pained so fear of losing what i have. I have everything because i have you. i am able to face what i'm going through now becos you are always beside me. I am not afraid becos you love me. I am strong becos i know there is still someone who believes in me. How could i be so silly to make you go away...

I'm not being mushy. I'm being proud of you. I'm not being all lovey dovey, I'm being touched that you have pulled me through. It doesnt matter whether people knows what we going through. Because you understand me. Who would spend much time understanding me, unlocking my heart, walking into my world, pull me out of my dark hole. Again and again ,you did it without fail.

You were my summer breeze, my winter sun, my springtime soul, my autumn touch of gold Yeah
And you were my sky, my rain, the earth in which my love goes strong
The smile of my heart and the breath of my soul
Even if we find ourselves apart
We will hold our hopes and dreams
Forever in our hearts
- I will still love you - Britney Spears

once again,
i'm shocked at how you could change within months. or perhaps you have already change but just that i held so tightly to the faith that i could make you a better person. but nevermind, i'm glad that my faith lies in my hands. i'm glad i could reach out for friends who share my woes. i'm glad i'm now stronger that i could face against such strong cruel words of yours but not shed tears. i no longer feel the kind of hurt anymore.

i know i slept too much... i wouldnt want to blog at this time now. is not like i feel like blogging about anything. but i really cant sleep. reached home ard 6? fall asleep almost immediately my head touches the pillow. woke up abt 9. had dinner. didnt really study at all.

quite happy with my g.p grades. Is not like my grades are fantastics but i know i did improve in many many ways. Likewise, i'm happy that my gothic essays maintain a good mark but still i did badly for the gothic unseen. I ought to have tried harder. I totally forgotten all about my JC one fundamental skills in answering gothic unseen. Arg.

There's a few little things i feel i ought to let go and grow out of, but sometimes it just seems so much easier said than done.

Like doing nothing,and then fretting because i did nothing.
Like being upset over the smallest, silliest, stupid little mistakes.
Like thinking of the wrong things at the wrong times.


Sigh. Like so many many more.

Somedays you feel like you really want to see some change.


at least i'm contented with my Chinese Grade :)

let me go back, go back to the good old days. i miss the sunny beach. i missed being tanned. i need to pick up all the memories left behind...

haha yang look huge.. cos of his bag.. :X

heh.. vaguely remember this pic is taken during last yr march.. eh that time was the very first we went out after break up so long, went out again but is go library lol. and i busy trying out his camera photo... lor.

ps: yang so cute :)

I had nothing to say
and i get lost in the nothingness inside of me.
i cried last night. Again.
is the world so sad after all?
i know exactly why i cried. i miss Casper. and i truly miss her. death is not terrible. is the aftermath that you need to cope with. is not solely the loss. but the absence of their presence. and in the middle of the night, i thought of what could happened to my family, i fear death. i fear of losing my loved ones. i fear i do not spend enough time with them and time is slowly slipping through my fingers that now i feel i couldnt grasped it with my hands.

yy told me abt her cousin being brain dead now. just before that he was happily planning for a reunion dinner with grandpa and grandma so that he can take some photos of his NS days with them. and the next moment even before u knew it, he was lying in coma in the hospital bed. and to come to think of it, we were discussing of euthanasia and coincidencely such misfortune have befall someone close to us.

over the phone, i dont know what to say to her because it must have been a shock to all. nobody knew he even had a tumor in his head. and it was already at the terminal stage and the tumor burst to cause blood clots in his brain. the only resolution was to remove the blood but then it was to late to salvage any thing. the veins have burst. i know we can never relate to such pain unless we been thru' situations like this. my only comfort to her was to show sympathy. i know she felt shocked and sad for her cousin too. twenty years old, fit and well. he fainted twice before and nobody took it that seriously or again the docs could not find any thing wrong with it. i mean how many ppl with serious headaches and migrains, can we all say we have tumor in our heads? we are all stress with life, surely we take panadol, asprins more often than other med.

maybe we should just learn to love and cherish our body. we are lucky we are well now. let us show more concern for our family. and last night i was just worrying abt mosquitos at home, worry for dad, worry for mum, worry for kor.. wanted to msg him not to drive so fast, worry for da jie( not that worry), worry for er jie(wonder if she's happy without me), worry abt myself whether i have heart disease.. i guess... i jus worry until i woke him up to comfort me to sleep.

ps: wish i can win some kind of lucky draw


i brieftly scan thru the names of my msn list. i dont necessary feel like chatting. i just wanna see whats been going on with the others. some nicks express sadness, other days a happy face is enough. love message, sad message, hopeless, helpless, clueless messages all over their nicks. i hesistate to click on it. probably i was afraid of facing the same answers i would give to anyone on the verge of breaking away. like if i ask " how are you " and if my nick refers to "my life sucks big time". i really hate entertaining such messages. i wonder if they truly care. why ask something that is so plain obvious. but then again if they dont, why would they even bother to click on me. ah. i'm just blabbering away...


i'm inspired to go on another diet. after watching the vcd of Elva (all her mtvs). she is so freaking thin. ok she's alright. i'm Fat :(

okay, i'm trying to control myself and not let my emotions rule over my head.

i love yesterday. it was... so long since i felt so happy with him. actually he has been wonderful all along but well... no body's perfect -

i had so much plans to cover;
but of cos let me settle my As First. i cant stand it.
i did some maths tutorials. wrong. and i did again and again. wrong wrong wrong.
Trigo, functions, graph, partial fractions.
i pray for no more careless mistakes. i pray for myself to rem all the formulas!
and my body doesnt belong to me today. it feel so sick. sighh

Just found out he' is going NS next April. sigh

i need;
1) new flip phone
2) digi cam
3) fix my hair
4) slim down

i'm tired. and i think is this wierd weather that has me barely functioning.
oh damm. a month more to As... where am i now.